How to Engage a Shy and Dorky Man in Conversation

Site Stats Speak to Me

My blog stats allow me to see what Google search terms get visitors to my site.  Sometimes they are plain and generic, like “gardening” or “step-families“.  Sometimes I’m surprised with hot topics.  Some of my most visited posts are about meat chickens, and water.  And I’m amazed that my blog is high enough up on the search list to keep getting hits for John Denver.

Every now and again, there are searches for, “my step-kids hate me,” or “What do I do about …”. In those cases, I wish I could send a direct message to the person that was seeking out that information, and tell them that everything’s going to be okay.

My favorite search term so far has been, “How to engage a shy and dorky man in conversation”.

This geek's taken; hands off ladies! (self-portrait by Jeremy)

I have a bit of expertise in this area.  Although, my husband is not shy, I am.  But I think I did a pretty good job of engaging him in conversation.

Through nerd analysis with my husband that I have come to understand the geek way.

Here is my advice to women out there that wish they could talk to that shy, handsome dork, dweeb, nerd or geek.

Tip #1 Refer to all dorks as “Geek”

Men that fit into the dweeb/dork/nerd/geek category almost always prefer to be called “geek”.  The other terms can be considered offensive in some circles.  Nerds are lower in social status than geeks, dorks are lower than nerds, and dweebs are the lowest form.  The term “geek” will make them feel sexy and virile.  I will refer to this group of men as geeks from here out, as to avoid offending anyone.

Tip #2 Identify Your Geek

There are several types of geeks.  It is best to identify the type of geek you are dealing with before starting a conversation.

Photo and shirt from etsy shop Deadworry. Click on the photo to go to their store.

Technology geek: These men love gadgets.  They have the latest smart phone and tablet, and will want to “Tweet” you.  They are being outgoing, not trying to invite you up to their apartment.  This type of geek is not always in the dorky category.  If they have a hip hairstyle and nice shoes, they might not truly be a geek, and this post will not apply to you.

Gamer geek:  There are several species of geeks within the genus “gamer”:  the online gamer, the board gamer, and the role player.  In many cases they will overlap.  If you are unsure, refer to them as “gamer” as this is generic enough to use until you establish which area they like best.  Online gamers will usually play W.O.W. (World of Warcraft) or some other online interactive game.  Board gamers play fancy games from Germany.  Boardgamegeek.com is a good place to go to see what’s hot so you can have an engaging conversation.  Role players play games like D & D (Dungeons and Dragons).  If your guy talks about rolling 20s and smiting you, it’s not a bad thing.

Sport geek: Not all sports fans are geeks.  The geeks are the ones that memorize sports facts, and enjoy talking about stats, more than watching the game.

Movie geek:  This subset of geeks memorizes lines, over-analyzes plots, and looks for filming mistakes.

Music geek: Music geeks pride themselves in following unknown bands and putting down mainstream music.

Comic book/fantasy fiction geek:  If you are in love with one of these men, you better start reading.  Your man and his friends will spend most of their time talking about books, and the movies and t.v. series based on these books.

Reinactment geek:  Many men and women like to dress up and reinact different time periods including but not limited to: the renaissance,  mountain men, civil war, or the SCA, Society of Creative Anachronism.

Hippy geek: These men generally walk around barefoot or wear dreadlocks.  They listen to obscure music.  Many are concerned with peace and justice issues, or the environment. If you don’t recycle or wear hemp fabrics, you may need to start.

All other geeks:  I can’t possibly list all types of geeks here, but it is helpful to know that there are others.

Tip #3 Ask Geeky Questions

If you have identified that the man in which you are interested in, is indeed a geek, start with any of the following questions, filling in the blank for what ever they geek out about:

What is your favorite spell?

Tell me about the last time you leveled up.

Can you tell me a little of the history of the internet?

If a cylon and a storm trooper were to get in a fight, which one would win?

If you were stranded on a desert island, which issue of Iron Man would you have to have with you?

If you were going to a costume party, who would you go as?  If I was going with you, who would you want me to go as? (Slave Girl Leia doesn’t count)

Nerd shirt from ATOB shop on etsy.com. Click on photo to go to their store.

If you could go out to dinner with Neil Gaiman, Gary Gygax’s ghost or Wil Wheaton, who would it be?

Which superpower is the most powerful: teleportation, superspeed, or x-ray vision?

Tip #4 Dress like a Geek

Wear a geeky t-shirt.  Find out what the man you love is into, then buy and wear a t-shirt that speaks to him.  Etsy.comis a great place to look.  Geeky t-shirts are a whole industry.  I guarantee he will notice.

Tip #5 Discretely “Out” Your Geek

Not all geeks are completely “out”.  Some have to hide their geekiness from friends and coworkers.  Start using lines from movies, comic books, or refer to yourself as an elf wizard.  Give your guy permission to make the connection without outing himself to others.

Tip #6 Join a Geeky Group

Get into something geeky.  Geeky realms are usually crawling with men.  There are plenty of women too, but the odds will be in your favor.  Not all geeks live in their parent’s basement.  There are some really great catches out there.  If you haven’t yet identified a geek that you would like to date, choose your geek realm carefully, because you will be spending lots of time talking about this topic, attending conventions and/or ren faires.

Tip #7 Read XKCD

Billed as a webcomic of “romance, sarcasm, math, and language”, this is a comic that most traditional geeks read.  It will certainly earn you brownie points, and give you and overview of some of the nerdier points of geekdom.

Be patient.  While you may be just the woman the geeky man needs, you may not be noticed because of your man’s obsession with his passion.  Join in the geeky fun where you can.  If you don’t get noticed by geek #1, someone else is sure to notice.

XKCD Webcomic. This one is called, "Improvised".

Read Full Post »